Yea, ok I'll admit it. I really did hate my job. I dreaded just setting my alarm every night in anticipation of having to get out of bed in order to get to work. I hated the drive to work. I hated that I had to run through a drive-thru on my way to work in order to pick up a hot cup of joe so I could make it through my morning at work. I hated walking in the door of the building. I even hated typing in my login and password at work because that process really did signal that I was stuck there in this horrible pit of despair. I really disliked my coworkers. No, wait, 'dislike' is too friendly a term. I loathed them. I wanted all my coworkers to just zip their lips. I wanted them to not say a word to me, or each other, and to just do their job as was outlined in their job description. And if I didn't like my coworkers, that was nothing compared to how I felt about management! So, "why didn't you quit?" you may be asking... Let me start by saying, "I kinda did." What does that mean? It means I had shut down. I shut down long before I started to hate my job. I shut down when I first moved to the South. I shut down the moment I drove away from the place I called home for the first 21 years of my life. And it was in that very moment that the part of me that was good, kind, caring, and empathic began the slow decline into where I sat, festering, until May 2009... What happened in May? I hit my personal rock bottom. I finally decided that if I wanted to see my situation change, if I wanted to see myself turn back into the person I used to be and loved so dearly, /I/ had to change my situation. So, that's when I took a DRASTIC cut in my hours and opted to only work 24hrs every other weekend. Yes, 2 weekends a month is all the time I would spend in the place I was blaming for all my problems. And since I switched my schedule, I have learned much more about myself and I see now that the workplace wasn't the problem. I was the problem.
I spent a lot of my youth trying to be the change I wanted to see in the world. I was quite the budding lil' activist. I started the first SADD chapter in Barrhead, AB. I was a member of PETA. I was one of 13 members of a Youth Advisory Panel to the Government of Alberta, reporting directly to the honorable MaryAnne Jablonski, MLA, RedDeer. I was recommended to be a youth advisor to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Commissioner of Canada. I received a Canada Day youth award for my achievements in volunteering. I was a BUSY 'kid'. But All this extra stuff really held me back from discovering who I was. I spent so much time trying to please others. I spent my youth trying to make things better for other youth. Largely, my youth was spent with adults. To quote one of my fav. bands, Social Distortion, "I grew up fast, I grew up hard." I have spent so many years being a force for change that once I hit a standard job, I still was pushing for change, except in this environment, no one wants change. I started to resent the people I worked with. Why didn't they want the same things I wanted? Simple, "Lili, you are not always right." There is a HUGE difference between fighting to prevent drunk driving versus fighting to change a work-flow process. OF COURSE people support stopping drunk-driving! But all that stuff I did in my youth warped my mind into thinking I am ALWAYS right in my endeavors and my opinions. Talk about an ego! So instead of realizing that, I just kept on pushing and pushing and getting more and more angry until I just couldn't stand it! But I've never been a quitter. NEVER. So I stayed with the same job, just reduced the amount of time I spent there. I have come to realize that my job is a pretty great job. I encounter something new and exciting every day. I'm not chained to a desk. I'm not afraid to speak-up. I thoroughly enjoy the people I work with. We all know how to take jokes, and we all know when to get serious. I was so blinded by my own damn filters that I never took the time to just ease back and enjoy the job for what it is.
I still have a lot of work to do on me, but at least I can see the light ahead of me now instead of focusing on the shadows.
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